 How “Change Hardy” is your Partnership?
By Dr. Andrea Gould
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Has anyone vowed never to change?
When Seth decided to pursue an entrepreneurial venture after a decade of working in a corporate environment, Carla, his wife of 11 years, found herself uneasy and conflicted.
Could she legitimately implore him to stay in the oppressive confinement of a regulated life when she knew he yearned for the chance to test his own brilliance in the service of an innovative venture? How do we handle a situation where a partner’s decision to grow and experiment affects the bedrock of our lives?
In the first blush of romance, we tend to make ourselves available to being in “sync.” Initially, we are willing to change simple habits such as when we work and when or how we take breaks for dining and recreation. Sometimes referred to as the “mutuality” stage, we are agreeable and open to novelty-- sharing the best of ourselves as we desire meeting the needs of our potential partner.
Once we’re in tune with our companion, we achieve a new level of ease, a mixture of security and predictability. We get comfortable. We reveal more of who we are. For survival, we hopefully learn and implement negotiation skills.
Early in relationship, our responses to change are different than in the subsequent stage of firming our identity or being seen for who we are. The classic power struggle erupts as we strive to have our values accepted and even adopted.
In time, as stages of stability unfold, we become habitual in our behavior. Changes can come as rude awakenings and cause rippling anxiety. Later, at our most mature stages, those of co-creation, both individuals differentiate from one another and come to understand their separate relationships with the outside world. While the growth or movement of one may cause some readjustment in “the other,” this readjustment needn’t pose a threat to the other’s self esteem or lifestyle.
Individual temperaments and personalities do create stylistic differences in accommodating shifts. Some of us are naturally comfortable with change; can redirect as simply as hearing something said and modifying our plans. Others have a harder time, more attached as we are to our version of how life should be unfolding and fearful of “letting go” of the familiar. Often we’re in union with our opposite! Here’s where the tension builds. The good news is that with awareness, we can expand our ability to grow through change.
Here are some tips for navigating the inevitability of life change within a partnership and without coming apart!
During peaceful times, discuss your feelings about personal growth with your partner. Come to know his or her feelings about security versus novelty and communicate your own. Try to understand your partner’s long term visions and goals for himself or herself and share yours. Decide how you want your relationship to grow during different life phases.
Consider the impact upon children, career and extended family ties. Accept the fact that everything changes; that is the nature of life itself. Practice accepting impermanence as a part of life --not something to avoid but rather to embrace.
Every day gives us opportunities to refocus after one thing or another doesn’t go “our way.” Learn to reframe the “initial insult” of change as an opportunity for something else to happen; something new to learn even if that “something” is a new behavior of gracious understanding. Be sure to invest in crafting your communication so to clarify your feelings without alienating your partner, making her/him wrong or withdrawing yourself into a passive aggressive style of non verbally telegraphing your displeasure when things don’t proceed as you had expected.
Be alert for your own attachment or expectations and take responsibility for them. In partnership, our expectations and our partner’s are equally important to consider. Take responsibility for your own fear or anxiety when it comes to the challenge of change and target those as an opportunity to grow through or past them. Perfect your negotiation skills.
Learn how to create a safe space to discuss your feelings and reactions, assisting one another in your adjustments to forthcoming change. Learn to develop thinking and lifestyle that includes backup plans. Remember, when we partner with someone, we don’t actually ask them to promise not to grow--- so we must be prepared when they do! Most important, become aware of your own wishes and desires, using the times where plans change as opportunities to explore some of your own as yet “unlived life.”
For questions or more insight into relationship and life change and transition issues, visit Dr. Andrea Gould’s website, www.lucidlearning.com or write dragould@lucidlearning.com.
Dr. Andrea Gould is a seasoned psychologist practicing “uncommon
therapy” on Long Island as well
as through her website www.lucidlearning.com.
Dr. Gould welcomes questions and comments on any topics
or concepts mentioned in this column. You can reach
her at dragould@lucidlearning.com.
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