 Being in Relationship
By Dr. Andrea Gould
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Sophie
sits on the couch in my office, her serious gray eyes filled
with tears. “I feel myself slipping away,” she
complains softly, “I hardly recognize myself any more.”
This 36 year old single mother has been dating Jeremy, a
high powered attorney, for the past 8 months. Very
much “in love,” Sophie has been “bending
over backwards” in order to maintain the delicate balance
of working as a paralegal to support her 5 year old daughter
and “catering” to Jeremy’s demands for
a “full time relationship.”
Sophie’s discomfort comes from her feeling of internal
conflict; the chorus of voices in her head which contribute
to her feelings of “self betrayal.” Is
she here to please herself, her daughter, her ex-husband,
her mother or her new potential partner? What does “being
in relationship” actually involve?
(We’re always in relationship--- whether to
ourselves, to others, or to the others within ourselves. We
need to be skillful diplomats to maintain our sense of
well-being.)
How we relate to ourselves, how well we understand ourselves,
determines the quality of our relationships with others. Recognizing
who we are helps us to understand the differences that
spice a friendship and help us grow as well as the
similarities that originally attract us to another and
comfortably validate our self perceptions.
Knowing a bit about learning and development is necessary
to comprehend the inevitable changes that challenge our comfort
zones; propelling us into a richer future or keeping us miserably
stuck in old patterns.
As a psychologist, I am often approached with questions
about relationship- There are timing issues,
(“When should we marry?” time management issues,
(“When I can get any time for myself away from the
kids….?” intimacy issues, (“He/she
never talks deeply to me--- how can I even feel like
making love…..?”) problem solving issues,
(How do we celebrate the holidays with his family and mine
amidst all the tension…?” Etcetera. There
are in law problems and financial challenges, health and
wellness issues with every family member. No wonder
we can feel overwhelmed with dizzying responsibility.
Then there are all those thoughts about not being
in relationship; when an estrangement or abandonment occurs,
or when we’ve been “single” or lonely
for longer than we wish--the frustrations that accompany
dating and finding ones place in the social scene without being
coupled. Tough stuff.
How we react to life’s losses and gains is
how we react to change in general. Our ability
to recover ourselves and rework our lives following disappointment
is a skill set that needs attention and re-tooling multiple
times, for many reasons, through many seasons.
So whether we’re coupled, partnered, married, or single,
it is necessary for us to be accountable, to ourselves,
for the quality of our lives. This is our first imperative---
to be self sufficient so that we can be in relationship—not
from need or dependency, but from a healthy understanding
of and ability to be inter-dependent. Any
creative relationship has both parties bringing the best of
themselves to the table. Cultivating maximum functioning
requires a full time conscious relationship with
ourselves and the many voices and sub- personalities of which
we’re composed. (That may seem both paradoxical
and promising if you think honestly about it…)
Sophie is at a crossroads. Her new love affair has
had the side effect of derailing her previously perfected
methods of self and family management. Through the
process of self confrontation, she’s currently examining
ways to bring herself back into balance by re-interviewing all
the parts of herself and honoring the best mother and the
best lover she can imagine herself to be.
To be a human “being” in relationship is a
complex mixture of self awareness and sensitivity to others
combined in an artful and practical way. We feel best
when we’re authentic. When we develop and value
our own individuality, we enable high quality, satisfying
relationships to guide and enrich our lives.
Dr. Andrea Gould is a seasoned psychologist practicing “uncommon
therapy” on Long Island as well
as through her website www.lucidlearning.com.
Dr. Gould welcomes questions and comments on any topics
or concepts mentioned in this column. You can reach
her at dragould@lucidlearning.com.
Please contact WomensEducationCenter.com
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